I'm sitting on a park bench on my college campus as I feel inspired to blog this beautiful day.
I always wonder if the people around me, are happy. In the reality of life, we often forget that we aren't the only ones battling our internal selves. As I "people watch" on campus, I have an urge to just tell someone that everything will be okay. The reason for that is, during my first year of college, I was the girl who needed to be reminded that everything was going to work out, that everything was gonna be okay and that I was strong enough to face anything. I struggled with how big of a change college life was. I was far away from the friends that I had grown up with, I was far away from my family, and it was hard to get used to. In high school, I was the one who had refrigerator friends (as my dad says). Refrigerator friends are the ones who walk into your house without a knock, without a warning. I could be sitting in my PJ's on my couch on a Sunday, watching baseball with my parents, and my friends would walk in, say "hey" and sit with us for hours on end. Nothing important had to be said, we were just a big family. We could sit there and be silent, but we could also sit there and talk for hours. I didn't realize how lucky I was until we left home to create bigger lives for ourselves. My parents made my friends feel safe, they made it a point to make our house a comfortable place for my friends to stay at if they ever needed it. From hearing the garage door open and hearing familiar voices, to sitting in my apartment bedroom with nothing but unfamiliar voices sneaking through underneath my door, it was different. It felt unfamiliar, simply because it was. I'm not someone who likes change, but I was excited for this type of change. I was excited to feel the college experience, to meet knew friends, to potentially meet my forever best friend. I had heard so many beautiful stories of "my freshman year roommates became my best friends and bridesmaids." Expecting a connection with random roommates is a high expectation. I thought it was a reachable one, but I wasn't that lucky. That to be said, my freshman year was a lot different than what I dreamed of. I missed my friends, I missed the familiar voices and I missed feeling at home. I'm not here to tell you that your freshman year can't be anything but beautiful and happy. I'm here to tell you that, if it doesn't turn out the way you were hoping, it will still be okay. As hard as it was, I learned to love myself in ways I didn't understand before. I was learning how to be independent. I was learning how to be an adult, and without noticing, I was growing into a beautiful young lady. I continued to miss my friends, my pets and my life back at home, but I knew from previous experiences, that I had to help myself before I were to notice a difference. As a reminder that the moments I was missing so frequently, weren't gone, I would remind myself that the love I felt at home and from my friends, would be carried with me just about everywhere I went. I was lucky to be brought up in a loving home and around loving souls but life wasn't always easy. I had a tough time with anxiety and depression growing up, so lonely was a familiar word to me. No matter how many people are surrounding you, feeling lonely doesn't just go away. Feeling lonely doesn't mean that you're legitimately in a room, by yourself, with no one to talk to. Feeling lonely, is feeling like no one around you understands what you're going through, mentally. No one understands anxious tics, no one understands the realization of "depression days," and no one understands the reasoning behind your panic attacks. I'm here to tell you that you're wrong. You're wrong because you're not alone. Way more people in this life are the same amount of "lonely" as you are. So, while you're sitting on campus people watching, repeat to yourself, "we're all the same." We are all the same. We all are lonely in a sense, we all have hard days and although not everyone has panic attacks or depression days, you're still fighting a battle. And you're damn strong for that. Be gentle with yourself, you're doing great.
Thank you for being here. I pray that this can be a safe place for you, because at the end of the day, we're all the same. <3